Dogs or Cats

I was raised with dogs. I loved dogs, their friendly, hyper demeanors, their soft fur and companionship.

My childhood dog growing up was named Sebastian. He was a black Aussie Shep. Back then, nobody else had an Aussie. He was a beautiful boy, long black hair that glistened in the summer sun, I could see rainbows reflected in his fur. His tail was a little stub that wagged back and forth like a mini metronome, when he was super excited his hind legs would come around from the back just like theose fire trucks that have someone steering in the rear. His stub drove his hind legs towards the front and he'd approach us in happy sideways dance.

I loved him. I loved him so much I would bite him. He had a nice layer of fat under his skin and I could just sink my teeth into him-gently, not leaving marks but just getting the tension out of my jaw. I come from a family that likes to bite. From time to time I'd bite my friends but they didn't tend to like it or understand it either. Writing about it now, I can't say that I don't understand why. I don't think I'd like a friend to bite me now. Unless, it was done in the throes of passion and done consciously so as not to draw blood. But, I digress.

I loved dogs but have now had a cat for 13 years. In that time I have become a cat person. I am one of those people now who loooooves cats. I think they are beautiful and cute and irresistible to look at. I love the quiet way they move, I love their silhouettes with those two pointy ears, I love how playful they are, how they jump, I love how they don't pant, they don't need to be walked, they don't slobber, they sleep a lot, they're sleek and absolutely royal. I have totally and completely switched camps and thinking about that has made me think about my sexuality.

Maybe, over time, I could switch sides there too. If guys are dogs and girls are cats maybe I can evolve my tastes in the human companion arena too. I have questioned my sexuality for a year now. I have healer who says I am 60% gay. I have a gay friend who says I'm not gay and a lesbian friend who says I definitely am.

Meanwhile, I have never kissed a girl and while I have moments of curiosity, I feel I have invested so much time, energy, angst and yearning in the direction of men that I want some return for that in the form of a good male companion/lover. I feel like walking away and becoming gay would be a defeat. However, what if it is really the right thing for me. What if I really am a "cat" person in the coyest sense of the word?

I read other blogs and women these days seem to be so sexually liberated it doesn't matter who they kiss. In my dreams I'm there. Physically I am not. In the meantime, I'll cuddle my cat and remain uncertain and open to the possibility that a beautiful pussy will just jump in my lap, look me in the eye and offer to make me purr.