No cum, still sad to see you go

Another relationship hits the dust, or should I say another non-relationship gets resolved, released and I get the benefit of unmistakable knowingness that he wasn't the one for me as much as I thought I wanted him to be.

It was always non-committal, that's why I shouldn't have been surprised when after 6 months of no contact, I called him and he casually said that his girlfriend was in town from North Carolina. However, it stung and I got that punched-in-the-stomach, someone sucked the air out of the room sinking feeling. I watched my mind do a ninja-like denial trick "oh he doesn't mean "girlfriend" he means girl-friend. But the the curtness in his voice, and the deliberate use of the word conveyed the truth I didn't want to hear. I got off the phone and cried, feeling desperately sorry for myself, yet another friend finds a relationship and I perpetually the cheese stand alone.

I am so fucking angry. I feel etherically eviscerated from opening so many "mystery date" doors. So many attempts at putting my heart on my sleeve, being friendly, charming, well-dressed, well mannered, well whatever the hell it is I need to be to come across as someone you want to see more than once and I am so exhausted. I can't look at another profile, read another ad, doll myself up for another cup of coffee or round of happy-hour skewered meat appetizers. How many more eye-gazing, heart connecting, sensual dancing workshops do I have to take before it all falls into place?

I was the one who didn't date in high school and now 20 some-odd years later have dated so much more than all my friends who did. It's cruel and ironic. I'm running a never-ending marathon that I didn't even realize I signed up for. I feel like the person who is crawling towards the finish line determined to make it but just barely able to take the next step. Ugh, I sound pathetic. Better stop here before I make someone want to go and O.D. on Xanax.

I'll have to remind myself how unsatisfying sex was with the guy in another post. Suffice it to say that I never appreciated the pleasure of a good squirt until I was with someone who was physically unable to do so.